I keep coming back for one more knockout

Have failed so many times and frankly given up so many times that I don't even remember but will try to list few if possible. Thing is after all that and after literally feeling lost and exhausted I still come back - as in come back to try again. I just somehow do..

I won't say I am like Captain America - that I can do this all day or all along - truth is I assumed that one becomes stronger after every failure or they learn lessons but for me - each rejection had made it harder to stand again and to bring my hands up to defend - let along strike a blow.

After each rejection, each loss it has become harder to continue or try again. Especially when I don't see the reason of why should I do it or that what happens if I win at the end - I don't get the purpose of doing all this.

Running a marathon or finding a job or starting a start up or anything for that matter - I feel so lost and exhausted that I just don't want to get up and try again and most probably fail and get knocked out again.

At times it is like marathon - btw before that - I feel most of people they fail - fail and then make a come back for me things go good and then I fail and then hardly make a come back. First two times I lined up for full marathon I completed it and next two times I failed to complete - despite having experience and what not I just failed and keep failing.

So yeah - in those completed marathons I would have quit in my head like 100 times but somehow I would still continue and cross the line but in life now I feel just damn too difficult and worthless to do anything.

Things then go in cycle - since I don't feel life or energy and all in anything it makes me more dull and exhausted and then that further makes it difficult to pursue any goal and this circle just continues - like deep depression spiral and all.. Though this is bit different than depression -- I am just exhausted and don't see my North Star or don't have any goal to move towards..

It is just damn too difficult. Still I try in a hope that this too shall pass and my time may change or now also things may not be that bad but point is situation may change for more better stuff and I need to be ready and try my best - at snails pace to learn something new or try something different at work and what not..

Just for record wrote it and let us wait and watch what happens and how things shape up..