My Cookie Jar

This is a bit of self-praise. I was listening to David Goggins' audiobook, "Can't Hurt Me," where he talks about the concept of a "cookie jar." He suggests having a jar filled with achievements, successes, moments when we pushed our limits, and overcame challenges. During tough times, we can dip into this jar, using old memories to propel ourselves forward and overcome the present situation. So, what follows is my Cookie Jar! It might not be complete, and I'll keep adding to it as I move forward in life.

I've read "Psycho-Cybernetics" five or six times now. There's a concept in the book about using past successful memories to regain that winning feeling and help shift our mindset towards success. So, the cookie jar will assist me there too.

1. Marathon (Twice) - This stands as one of my greatest achievements, perhaps second only to stress analysis. Running a sub-five-hour marathon was monumental for me. When I started training, even 2.5 kilometers felt torturous due to my asthma. It wasn't a one-month journey but rather 3-5 years of on-and-off training, discipline, dietary changes, and more. Finally completing the marathon - twice - is something I'm incredibly proud of, something I should never take for granted.

2. Getting into IIT - This achievement ranks alongside, if not above, completing the marathon. After engineering, I was torn between pursuing a master's degree or starting my job (having secured a campus placement at LnT). During Diwali of my final year, my brother-in-law suggested I complete my studies in one go. I calculated that I had 100 days to prepare for the GATE exam. I created a 100-day plan for each subject and topic (below is the snapshot) and began studying independently. My cousin suggested I try studying abroad for an MSc or aim for the best institute in India, so I chose IIT.

So, in just 100 days of self-learning, I managed to secure around the 99.9th percentile - approximately 609th rank. Despite receiving few callbacks from most places, I received an invitation to interview at IIT Kharagpur. It was my first flight, and my dad accompanied me; it was quite an expensive trip. I shouldered the pressure; there was no option but to succeed. Fortunately, during my interview, only one of the two professors showed up, and I cracked it. I vividly recall sitting in my bedroom, checking the result while my mom was in the hall watching TV. When I saw I was selected, I punched the air with joy and rushed into the hall to share the good news.

Following that, I received a call from IIT Bombay; they had a written exam followed by an interview. Despite feeling homesick and not being in the best health, I aimed for Bombay and started preparing. Thankfully, I cracked that too. By then, I had already taken admission into Kharagpur since the official results were pending from IIT Bombay. It was around mid-July when I kept calling IIT Bombay, and a sweet and helpful lady provided me with a verbal confirmation of my selection.

Another unforgettable moment: I was at CST shopping for shoes, getting ready to move to Kharagpur with my mom and dad. Back in 2012, smartphones weren't as advanced, and I couldn't check the admission list online. I called my best friend and asked her to check it for me; she gave me the fantastic news of my selection, and the rest is history! :D

Well, that was a significant achievement - but it holds immense value for me. In 2012, while still a student, taking on the challenge of cracking GATE (considering there are individuals in coaching and attempting it multiple times), attending two interviews, and successfully passing both was a truly sweet victory. I strongly believe that getting into IIT has had one of the most significant positive impacts, at least in my professional career. I owe a huge thanks to my brother-in-law, brother, best friend, and parents - I had a robust support system back then too.

3. Stress Analysis - IITB - Another remarkable experience from IIT - a scenario where I found myself competing with the brightest minds from the top colleges across India. Unfamiliar with the surprise quiz concept, I scored merely 0.5 out of 5 in the initial quiz while the average easily stood above 5. Nevertheless, gradually settling into hostel life, refocusing on my studies, and dedicating significant time to the library, I found solace in meditation, which helped me navigate through the challenging transition of the first semester. Eventually, I not only regained my academic footing but also excelled, topping the final exam in stress analysis and securing the highest grade. It's a story I often revisit, marking one of the most satisfying comebacks in my life.

This achievement remains a cornerstone, propelling me forward, and I concluded my IIT journey with an impressive 9.4 grade.

4. CAT - Quants score of 99.99 - Like many others, I found myself in a mid-life crisis and decided to pursue an MBA, although I remained uncertain about it. In 2016/2017, I registered for CAT and prepared for about a month. I achieved a percentile of 99.99+ in Quants. Although I can't seem to locate the detailed results, my performance in English wasn't as strong, leading to an overall score of 97+%ile.

This experience served as a revelation, reaffirming my proficiency in analytics and problem-solving.

5. Cycling - Consistently covering 60kms - 80kms before taking a break. I accomplished this solo journey from Mahindra World City to Mahabalipuram via the back roads, almost every weekend, until I encountered a marathon DNF and ceased cycling altogether.

Presently, this holds significant importance for me, serving as a reminder of my capabilities. It reflects my potential and serves as a constant reminder that I hold the responsibility for my fitness journey - I gained weight, and it's up to me to regain my previous fitness levels.

The post will turn out to be a book and for others I am not going into details - 

6. Over the years I have been involved in loads of extra curricular activities - While these items might not directly fit into the concept of a "cookie jar," they serve as reminders of the richness and vastness of experiences I've accumulated in my life so far. Here are some:

    a. Juggling and unicycling - I managed to ride a unicycle in a straight line for a bit before I sold it. In juggling, I can effortlessly handle 4 balls and perform various tricks with three balls, three clubs, and more.

    b. Surfing - I took a crash course and was progressively improving (Mahabalipuram).

    c. Inline Skating - Picked this up during my time at IIT and became quite proficient and speedy. It not only improved my skills but also aided in shedding a considerable amount of weight, contributing to my overall fitness.

    d. Tennis - Initiated during my IIT summer school and continued during my tenure at Aqualily while at Mahindra. Those were hectic days, starting with a 5-mile run in the morning, a full day's work, and then an hour of tennis in the evenings.

    e. Solving Rubik's cube - Experimented with various algorithms and steps until I developed my own logic to solve it. Though my solving time of 3-5 minutes is far from the world record, the satisfaction was in arriving at a solution to this puzzle independently, rather than aiming for competition.

    f. Alto 800 - Purchased my first car! :D

7. Some work and study-related achievements:

    a. Winning Mahindra AutoQuotient Quiz competition - Despite only providing 1 or 2 correct answers in all four rounds combined and even giving a wrong answer in the last round, I emerged victorious, all thanks to Kartik - my flatmate, batchmate in Mahindra, Chennai, and a close friend. I cherish this in my "cookie jar" as a reminder of how fortunate I am to have such a supportive and fun-loving network. The prize was a trip to Malaysia - my inaugural overseas trip - sponsored by the company. Thank you, Kartik!

    b. PG Diploma in Machine Learning (after MTech)

    c. Winning the first prize in ISHRAE paper presentation (2012)

    d. Altair - Aug 2022 - Clinching the first (and third) positions in data science projects for Mahindra - marking my initial accolade in the field of data science! :D A beautiful trophy accompanies this achievement, currently in possession of my friends.

    e. Developing android Apps - Created a basic sudoku app with colored tiles instead of numbers. Although it's no longer available on the Play Store.

    

Lastly, I would be happy to hear your story and the cookies you have in your Jar !!

When you get more than you asked for - 2023 !!

After a break of about 2 years - 2023 Jan I started blogging again and wrote my first post of 2023 on Jan 1 - https://sandeeprshah.blogspot.com/2023/01/here-i-go-again-first-post-of-2023.html  This was followed by few medium posts - ie technical blogs. Has been a decent outing there and I wish to continue that too.

Now I post another one to close of the year.

It hasn't been a smooth sailing year. Lots of highs and a few really low moments—though not now, but maybe sometime in the far distant future, I might delve into the details. I wanted to get this off my chest before I delve into all the positive aspects of 2023.

In 2023, on 2nd January, I commenced my journey with Volvo, Bangalore, and my entire year has revolved around it. In my nine years of professional career, this is the first time I feel that it's the year's end—a closure of a chapter or whatever you may call it. It's time to come back next year stronger, bolder, and wiser. It wasn't something I was looking forward to; in fact, I never thought about this. But then, you experience it out of nowhere, and it makes me feel blessed. It also made me realize that 'This can happen too.' Most of my 2023 has been filled with these pleasant surprises.

Thanks to Christmas and the global/European culture, most people are on year-end leave. Some are celebrating Christmas, some are utilizing accumulated leaves, and some are taking well-deserved time off. Hence, I am relaxed too. I can refocus on new learnings, take a couple of steps back on other projects, view them from a different perspective, and continue the work next year.

Let me review the points I sought when transitioning from Mahindra to Volvo:

1. I desired my work to be more focused on data science/analysis and to have a support system aiding my machine learning projects—precisely what I found.

2. I aimed to collaborate with more data scientists—I eagerly sought this since my previous role lacked someone to turn to for machine learning queries. Had I been in a traditional CAE Crash role, I'd have had numerous experts to learn from, but not in ML. Fortunately, here at Volvo, I'm surrounded by a diverse set of minds and experts in my team. I learn something from everyone. In 2024, I hope to become an expert in any field to contribute more to the team, leading to a better win-win situation.

What else did I acquire unexpectedly—things I hadn't asked for initially (not covering all points):

From my perspective:

1. A cool culture—I adore the constant smiles, jokes, and camaraderie within the team. I seldom experience a serious day at work. People are committed to their work, as evident from the recognitions they receive, and it's a lively environment. Water cooler or coffee cup conversations are encouraged, and the infrastructure supports that too.

2. Working with intelligent colleagues—I'm constantly learning something new from everyone at work. Each person brings something unique to the table.

3. My Manager and Technical Lead (as I refer to them)—I've mentioned earlier that I've had good managers at different points in my career, and that continues here. I've formed bonds with my teammates with whom I can share every aspect of my life, contributing to my psychological well-being and happiness.

4. Continuous guidance—this is something I've always desired in my career, and here I receive it without even asking. The ecosystem ensures continuous feedback, and I can also proactively seek additional guidance when required.

Now, don't get me wrong about Mahindra—I had a really good time there too, and I had really good friends who helped me through thick and thin. Mahindra is where I started my work, and I was fortunate that my manager encouraged and pushed me to work in areas that were my strengths or things I enjoyed learning (automation back then). That actually laid the foundation for my other career moves.

I had colleagues there who helped me understand office politics—what should and shouldn't be done. I even took up the role of arranging monthly team meetings and yearly team outings—quite ironic since I don't see myself as a party person! Anyway, it was fun back there—except for the last six months or so when things seemed to come to a halt, and my daily motivation to go to work faded. That's when I felt it was no longer a win-win situation. In fact, I saw it as a loss-loss situation for the company and myself. I was fortunate to get the break with Volvo.

Okay, coming back to the title again—'When you get more than you asked for—2023!' Bangalore is notorious for traffic, high rent, and sometimes rude house owners—but I have that sorted out too. My house owner, who lives next door, has been great so far and always smiles when we cross paths. My office is about 4 km from home, and I take the metro and feeder bus, reaching the office in about 30 minutes or so. Thanks to the little traffic, I can catch up on my book reading for 20-30 minutes daily when the bus waits at signals.

Fitness—again, it's been on and off. There were times when I ran 8 km without much struggle and maintained the tempo. Today, I couldn't make it to 2 km but have been doing 5 km daily. Just before Diwali, I was at 78 kg (currently at 80 kg), the lightest I've been in the last three years. So far, so good.

Most of the things seem to have worked out!

I can't help but come back to point one. I don't believe in showing only half the picture; I want to present the complete picture. So when I started my work, I was happy, confident, and actually taking it slow. Things were okay-okay, and suddenly, I snapped. Some 2-3 months back, I felt defeated—I saw no way out, and my past victories seemed to offer little help. Then, my support system kicked in—my bestie, cousin, and my newly formed friends at the office helped me out, and now I'm back with new energy. I can dream again for a better tomorrow.

In my life, I've always felt that I got everything easily, and I hardly had to struggle for anything. Maybe this was a lesson to prepare for hard work (perhaps I was avoiding that) and to move ahead with a new perspective. I cracked IITB easily, and marathon training, though it took years, I could finish it with ease. Perhaps those things came naturally to me, so hard work didn't feel like work—I don't know. Now I am clear about what I want and in which direction I should move forward. This year-end relaxation couldn't have come at a better time.

I want to write something about FEA/FEM (Finite Element Analysis) and how it has shaped my career—but I will reserve that for the next post.

I would love to hear your story and your perspective on my story!"

 

Why you will win

Wanted to write something for a long time now but I wasn't taking out time as such. Now, traveling to Mumbai and waiting at Bangalore airport for flight - I did get some time to jolt down few points and give some updates and I am out of words and may be tired or what I don't know.

Small update - I finished a coursera certification course on pricing of options using mathematical models. I have partially received financial aid for GAN - specialization and I will be focusing on that for few days or a week or two before moving back to finance.

I am not mentioning details here - but remember what you went through past few months and where you are now. Be relaxed - focused and do use meditation and visualization a lot along with prayers and be grateful for everything. Losses - failures - part and parcel of life.

Focus on discipline - regular - everyday - day-in and day-out. You own your life. Compounding works - in exercise - money making or work or wherever. Remember these days when you going through tough time and how you overcame all the doubts and difficulties. Pay attention to continuous improvement.

Remember how you restarted running and skipping and started on journey of weight loss. I am 80 kg now - was once 88 and 4-5 years back I was 70ish. You were desperate to move to Mumbai and remember how you took small and impactful decision that helped you to move to Mumbai. If you could do back then - you can do it now as well and forever.

You are persistent and have an attitude of never giving up. You need to first have a goal and not deviate from it. May be take sometime to choose a goal but once it is fixed - I know you can have it. So here the issue is choosing a goal and having proper reason or meaning in pursuing the goal. Most of the time I half heartedly put my mind on the goal coz of external factors and then I didn't complete it. But remember Stress Analysis in IIT, marathon running, triathlon, trading and what not.

Secondly - somewhat repeated one - you need to know you have everything to be great at any point in time no matter the obstacle. You have all the ingredients in a perfect mix to be successful. I am sure you are 1000 times more successful than when you wrote this - but you still may be doubting yourself or have somewhat negative attitude a bit. Smash everything and keep pushing and achieving.

Stoicism reading is good too but sometimes it does make you negative but it does have some wonderful ways to live life. Reading BhagwatGita was the best thing you did - along with Hanuman Chalisa and developing or further strengthening faith in God and Universe and Almighty.

I am damn sure you are surprised with abundance and happiness life has given you - you always aimed low or may be you thought you aimed high but life had much more than that higher aim too. I am happy for you - for you health, wealth and abundance. You have been blessed with lovely wonderful kind hearted people in your life and you eventually took great care of them. I am glad you did that.

Reflecting on my marathon journey

 My reflections on my marathon journey has increased a lot in last couple of years. I keep revisiting my accomplishment for two main reason - why I succeeded ? And second is to draw on the experience of training and achieving for such a mammoth goal.

I didn’t want to be a one time marathon runner and so in 2017 I ran my second marathon in just under 5 hours.. I didn’t stop there and I was all set to set my personal best in my third run in 2018. All was well until about 15 kms from the finish line - I was struggling with pain in my left toe - having pain in different parts of body throughout the run was nothing new. Get a pain in shoulder, or stomach, or ankles - you ignore/acknowledge it but keep running. After a km or two the pain would go off..

This time however it felt different and after pushing for 3-4 kms I stopped completely, sat down and removed my shoe - there was a blood clot on left toe - reason - I didn’t cut my toe nail before the race. In my training or past runs I never faced such an issue or injury. That was it and I called it a day. This reminds me of one issue I encountered during half marathon- sore or bleeding nipples.. after like 17 kms - even touch of jersey was not bearable on nipples and from then on I practiced applying Vaseline there too. I have heard incidents from my friends where they started bleeding - I guess few things you need to learn the hard way and cutting my nails before run is one among those.

Started writing when I was at Mumbai airport and now resuming in Bengaluru airport bus - heading back to Bangalore house.. So, the big reveal - one reason I succeeded back then was my WHY ? Why I wanted to run.

I was not so much into sports from childhood and in 2011 or so a side effect of a medicine led to a breathing issue. On further investigation I realised I had asthma all these years - may be not so serious but a wrong medicine magnified it and I was out under medication. In a month or so I was leading a normal life but taking morning and evening medics was the norm and it was told to me that I’ll have to take it lifelong.

I was not ready to accept this and so I decided to take up marathon running - there are other reasons too behind this but this was the major reason to take something up of marathon magnitude.. I wanted to run and also show the world that this came be done by someone who not into any sports at all before. I also wanted to show that you can win over asthma and you can achieve anything and everything irrespective of your current past and present.

Journey sure wasn’t easy. I used to go breathless in 2.5km slow run. My IIT friends easily outran me daily. But I kept up to the task. At the same time I started reduced the dosage and frequency of my medication. There were so serious consequences and that proved that what I was doing was leading me into right direction..

Step after step, mile after mile and I completed half marathon in 2015 and 2016 my first full marathon. 2017 I managed a sub 5 hour marathon just by few seconds.. that was some achievement man :|

Then, as I would like to put up - life happened :)

Late in 2018 I bought a car, 1 year back I had bought a road bike - and used to go for 60km-80km long rides once a month. I was for and life was good. I used to do mini iron man too on Sundays.. I don’t know if it was car that I purchased or the reality that I DNF (I did not finished) a marathon or something else - I went into unhealthy habits. Using cycle very less, eating junk food more than the healthy one etc etc. also, one more info might be helpful- I was underprepared when I did sub 5 hour marathon- in fact I was out with friends for dinner party and slept post midnight. That in a way made me complacent and I further undertrained for third marathon and hoping to use my mental toughness (developed over last 3 years) to sail me through the finish line.

This is what I get when I look back on why I succeeded. Now a days I try to get back but I don’t have any big reason or anything to prove to anyone and so on tough days - I just give up and take a break. 

One major lesson I learnt and try to use it in new skills that I try to pick up is that small steps will lead to something big. Initial journey is going to be small and tough but that is the only way to the end goal. Be it trading or learning data science or may be learning to catch a wave using a surf board - I am going to fall at the start, it’s not gonna be easy and so having a proper WHY is necessary. I haven’t read Simon Sinek’s - Start with Why, but I do get it now what he means and he can’t be more correct in that.. your reason and passion helps you push on the days that you don’t feel like working out..

I know I have a hard time being consistent and so I accept that being consistent is not my cup of tea yet- but getting back after a knockdown and keep trying is my strength as of now. All I can do is keep trying again and again till I become consistent coz I ain’t giving up never..

Here I go again - first post of 2023

 I know I had written a post called last post and decided not to write any more. Well I decided to come back again and now never say never again.. many many years ago i did similar thing - I announced that I am retiring from running and won’t run again etc etc only to come back and complete two marathons.. lesson learnt - never say never again..

In 2021 I had decided to fail big and feel all the emotions. I did and I did fail big at times - sometimes at work and mostly in trading. This year I am done with everything and I just want to win and be happy. Well, being happy is state of mind and I can be happy at this very instant irrespective of what’s going outside of me. So yeah, need to practice on being happy and winning big. I am just going to go out and collect the reward points of my last efforts/karma..

New year new me but this year it’s also new city. Bangalore it is - rekindling old relationship or may be starting a new one- I don’t know yet. Well, I have transitioned to more data analysis focused role and I’ll edit the blog and update the company name in a week. Tomorrow is my first day in the new office. Have been doing house hunting for past 3 days and I didn’t feel it would be this hard or time taking. 1 week from now things would be more settled and I’ll start experimenting with new routine of meditation, studies, fun with friends etc etc.

Closing of for now - but stay tuned - I am going to write a lot more this year and keep publishing it.

Happy new year folks. Resolutions - no resolutions, new year - old year doesn’t matter. Past is history, future is mystery and today is gift called present - copying master Oogway..

The Last Post

Recently I have been running out of topics to write on. There are some very personal things which go in my diary. I have decided to end the blog writing, atleast this personal blog. It has been a long journey. Few posts appreciated few went unnoticed. I beleive u change and don't hold on to any experiments for long enough. Time to move on to something bigger and better and leave this chapter here.

The website will be live and all the posts available to be read anytime by anyone. No new entries.

Thanks Readers for all the Support!

Reflecting back on 2020

Hi Friends, 2020 may sound scary but let me capture how it unfolded for me and what were some key moments to highlight. It feels too mundane to write a post like looking back on a year, but I am writing this time mainly so that my future self can read and appreciate what I went through.

I would like to go to 2021 resolutions before going to 2020. This time it is very simple

1. I want to feel all the emotions intensely (except anger)-

    If I am Happy I want to feel every moment of it. Smiling and feeling energetic all around.

    If I am sad, I want to truly be sad at that moment, so sad that no joke can make me laugh, and so on.

    All the emotions are part and parcel of life, better to accept them and get yourself immersed in them. This way you can also better understand and manage such emotions and their triggers in the future.

There are situations when I get angry at someone or something and then I get angry at myself for getting angry. So, I wish to have better control over anger - a tough task.

2. My second resolution is to fail big - slow or fast - but big. You might have seen the movie pursuit of happiness, I want to go in pursuit of failures. There are several reasons for this pursuit - 

    1. All this year I tried to go behind success and mostly I found failures. So, going behind failures might land me into more success.

    2. It is said that failures are stepping stones towards failures, so the more failures I get, the higher I go.

    3. Failing big - like seriously - failing at a rocket launch, or being in F1 and missing out on the championship, etc. Not everyone can fail big - you need to be on top of your game to reach the top level of competition and then fail.

3. Then there are running goals around health, fitness, book reading, etc.

2020 - Nearly half of the year was spent in Chennai and in lockdown.

First of all big kudos to all of you, congratulations, well done, etc etc - for making it to 2021. This was trending a lot - people used to say making it through 2020 was in itself a big achievement. Well, I don't agree, Yes 2020 had new challenges which most of us didn't experience before - those were external circumstances - you still had full control over your inner self and most of the resources. I have friends who lost jobs and I have friends and relatives who opened up new businesses - so anything and everything was possible. My condolence to anyone and everyone who lost a near and dear one for no matter what reason. I wish you get over it and be at peace with reality.

March to June - Locked-down in Aqualiliy, Chennai - MWC -Nationwide lockdown happened in the last week of March. My cousin in the UK had told to me stock some foodgrains etc and thanks to that just a week before I had stocked foodgrains and other times for at least a month. It was tough for a week to get used to the new style of working and work-life balance. Then in May it was like let me learn something new or pick up some old hobby - juggling, playing with Raspberry Pi - surprisingly for me things didn't move forward.

My two flatmates, Jasprit and Shashank were in the flat and we were in this together. Shashank is a really good cook and thanks to him, in lockdown I didn't face any issues at least for food. In the process, I learned a few dishes myself such as Dal, Rice, Pasta, Rotis etc. Jasprit used to take care of other household chores. We would occasionally support each other in different tasks like someone will chop veggies, other will wash utensils, etc. Bringing groceries was for weekends. Any two of us would go and get the required items. Shaving each other support made those days less stressful.

In the month of July, I was able to fly back to Mumbai and have been here since then. After a couple of flight cancellations - I made it to Bombay. I was in a 14 days home quarantine - work was going okay-okay from home. I locked myself inside till almost August and then started the morning ritual from September. I was accompanied by my building friend Nupoor on morning walks. We were crazy back then - going for 6;30-7 am walks in heavy rain with jackets on. I say crazy back then, since around Diwali (in November) our consistency dropped and so did the rain. Anyway, so this morning routine helped to balance my health a bit.

Studies - I enrolled in an online PG Diploma (Machine Learning) course in September - one step towards self-improvement.

Fatness - I had gained a lot of weight before lockdown, so lockdown just added to the fat. In December I went keto for a few weeks and I was able to bring down my weight. As of now I am regulating my diet a bit, exercise a bit, and everything a Bit :P

I read Think Like a Monk and for the next month, I went insane and started meditating for 40-50 mins a day. I became less interested and involved in all activities around me and also at work. I was trying to ditch everything and leave a simple life detaching from my goals. I am not sure how and when, but I came out of that phase and I started focusing more on my goals and dreams. I also became more aware of my emotions and then their triggers. So then meditative phase was not a complete waste at all.

By Christmas, my Happy Phase fully clicked in and things are just going Super Fine now :)

Let me know your thoughts. I would like to hear your resolutions rather than what happened in 2020.

You might be interested in the following - 

2019-year-of-rejections

if-i-knew-that-was-last-time

a-decade-of-transition